By William Howard Horrocks

To begin, show a picture of yourself that looks more or less like any other dentist. Make the photo the biggest thing on the page so it will communicate that you are the most important thing, and that the patients concerns are secondary.

Then, print the name of your practice, ensuring that the name sounds more or less like every other dental practice. Better yet, name your practice with your own name, guaranteeing that it will mean next to nothing to your public. As a finishing touch, if you’re a DMD, put this sleep-inducing abbreviation after your name. (Surveys reveal that only small % of adults know that a DMD is adentist.)

Now, don't forget to prominently feature the words “root canal” and “important”, since we don't want the prospective patient to think you're a wimp, and can't perform some really awful-sounding procedures.

In large, bold print, proclaim that NEW PATIENTS ARE WELCOME, because we don't want the prospective patient to think you're one of those practices who have a sign on their door which reads, NO NEW PATIENTS. GO AWAY.

We're rolling now. Ensure you use at least 4 or 5 different typefaces throughout the ad, to let everyone know that you are hip enough to use Microsoft Word. Then, in a really arty font, say, Olde English, print the words “We Care”, which will cause readers throughout your area to turn to their spouses with an amazed look on their face and say, “Honey, there's a dentist in town who ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT HIS PATIENTS!” and immediately call for an appointment. You could follow this up with a press release to your local paper, which boasts, “Local Dentist Actually Cares About Patient's Dental Health.”

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